Road Doorknob is the first episode (pilot) of Randomness Everywhere.
(a person singing opera throws a soap bar at the camera)
(cuts to static)
(The gang are watching television)
Paper: I'm bored.
Doorknob: *enters the house* I GOT A CAR!
Paper: You're not old enough to drive, you're only... wait, you are old enough.
Doorknob: WANNA SEE ME DRIVE IT?
(2 seconds later!
Doorknob: HOW DID I DO.
Paper: You destroyed the Empire State Building, destroyed some houses and made a construction site meet it's doom. But on the bright side, we did get free pizza. (grabs pizza from Doorknob's car and eats it)
Gold: What? Oh, yeah, you like vegtable pizza.
Car: What? No, it's just that I'm a CAR, and Doorknob is driving a CAR.
Car: I'm a CAR! I'M WAY BETTER THEN THAT THINGY. I HAVE DELUXE SEATS.
(cuts to damaged and ripped seats)
Car: AWESOME RADIO MUSIC.
(cuts to Rick Roll)
Car: AND A GPS
(shows broken glass where GPS is supposed to be)
Car: AND A TRUN-
The Gang: AHH! DON'T SHOW US THAT!
Car: Why don't you drive ME for a change?
(The gang exchange looks)
The Gang: Nah.
Doorknob: LOOK AT MY CAR. STATE OF THE ART SEATS.
(cuts to perfect seats)
Doorknob: A GPS!
(cuts to GPS)
GPS: Make left turn at Rick "E" Pepperoni.
Doorknob: And a DVD player! *Turns on DVD player, which is playing SquareJoe TriangleTrousers*
SquareJoe: Hey, Rick!
SquareJoe: LET'S GO COMPUTER FISHING!
(cuts to road)
Doorknob: LET'S DO THIS THING
(the car drives, suprisingly perfectly now)
(Car is seen from a garage and throws a bomb at the car, which backfires and reflects off, and hits Car)
(explosion is shown)
Car: NO! DON'T. THAT CAR IS EVIL. EITHER THAT CAR OR YOUR FRIENDS.
Doorknob: Hmm... MY CAR! (drives off)
Car: ...Well that was anticlimactic.
(Screen cuts to Doorknob and the gang driving in the car)
Paper: THIS IS AWESOME!
Doorknob: NOW WATCH THIS.
(Doorknob does a U-Turn and repeats)
Paper: DO THAT AGAIN I WASN'T LOOKING.
(Car is about to throw an atomic bomb at the car, which backfires and explodes in Car's face)
Car: THAT CAR MUST BE STOPPED.
(Later, at night)
(In the car's garage)
(The garage door opens)
Car: Hehehe... Hi, car! Ready to be destroyed?
(The car's headlights turn red and glowing, as the scene cuts to outside, where shadows are seen, fighting)
Car: SO THIS IS WHAT BEING KILLED IS LIKE- (collapses)
Newcar: They love ME more then you, Car. You're the old model, I'm PLATINUM! PLATINUM! Now go kill yourself or something.
Doorknob: AH. WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY TO DRIVE MY CAR.
(Doorknob goes to the garage, and sees Car missing)
(Doorknob gets in the car and drives off)
(Car leaps onto the car)
Car: I... FORBID YOU... TO DRIVE THAT CAR!
Doorknob: NO! (drives off)
(Car catches up to Doorknob, and revs into the side of the new car)
(Doorknob drives ahead, only to see Paper and the others on the sidewalk, chasing after him)
Doorknob: GET AWAY! (clicks a button, only to have a missile explode Paper and the others)
(for five minutes, it just shows Doorknob and Car driving, non-speaking, using weapons against each-other)
Car: NO! I MEAN STOP!
(Car drives backwards and drives up a wall of a building)
(Car leaps off the building, and smashes head-first onto Doorknob's car's truck)
Doorknob: MY CAR! NOW YOU'RE DEAD!
(Doorknob drives his now-damaged car ahead)
Car: DOORKNOB! WATCH OUT FOR THAT-
Car: ...nuclear bomb testing site...
(in the hospital)
Paper: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
Doorknob: What are you, my mom?
Doctor: Your car was destroyed in the explosion... you fainted, and we had to use a chainsaw to get you out.
Doorknob: Yes, and... (gulps)... how much money will that be for both the hospital services, destroying a nuclear bomb testing site, and the car?
Doctor: That would be... six billion dollars.
Doorknob: Oh, no...